2014, the new year upon us. Lets shed our old skin & bring light onto what is ahead. I intend to share with you a very personal project of "365", a photograph everyday. I have gained the confidence to open up my books of ideas, drawings & personal thoughts to form the project ahead for all my peers, co-workers, and strangers to gaze upon.
If you know me, this is incredibly personal & terrifying. For I am one who does not enjoy being in the public eye. I am private, sincere and humble. I am opening myself up to ridicule and judgment which makes my stomach turn. We are all human but I have seen it time & time again, people eat other's up & enjoy other's misery and sorrow.
"Liar Liar pants on fire"
"Personal asphyxiation "
This was taken during a time that I was unhappy with how I was living my life and what I found myself doing in my free time. At the time, I wasn't shooting for myself or writing. I definitely was having a mental block. Instead of working through it and staying focused, I let myself get distracted with other things that were not creative or making me a better person/artist in the long run. Night after night, I would go to bed upset and feeling terrible with how I spent the hours of my day.
I find it extremely important to reflect on the people we surround ourselves with, how we spend our time, and what our goals are. For myself, I am in constant need of having a project to put my mind in.
"Be your own light"
You alone are responsible for your outcome. Even during the most trying hours, you must become your own source of motivation, your own guide to life. You cannot rely on others to create happiness or lead you home. Don't follow the light of another; illuminate your life from within.
I remember when my brother and I were little and how great our imaginations were, and especially how powerful they were when we were together. Many games of "King of the castle", which involved us jumping on our trampoline with bed sheets tied around our necks and shoving the other one off; all while shout/singing "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'mmmmmmmm the kiiiinngggg of the cassssssstlllllllleeeeee". Its amazing that neither of us never broke a bone while participating in this game.
Or how his bunk bed was a pirate ship and we were the two 'men' that took it over from the bad captain and fed the rest of the crew sweets. But if anybody double crossed us, which our friends or we would play the characters of, would have to walk the plank. Which basically meant standing/crouching on the top bunch and jumping into the 'ocean'. Which we had cut out about 30 paper sharks to cover the floor to make it 'real'.
I have so many memories of us creating places and characters together. We would watch saturday morning cartoons and eat fruit loops in the living room while mum was still asleep. And we would occasionally get into quarrels where we would be sent to our rooms and within minutes be talking through the vent to one another.
I adore my younger brother and the relationship and bond we have. We can't be in a room together and not have laughing fits. When people see us together they are often taken by surprises with our relationship. We are constantly teasing, saying crude comments & "your mum" jokes. He is always putting a smile on my face.
It was important to have him for this concept due to our past and imaginations. We both had always wanted a tree house but didn't have the right tree. I imagined a place where we could escape. Climb a latter into clouds and be young again together playing night games, sword fighting, practicing our karate moves and cramming barbies into tonka trucks. Our little version of Neverland.
I love you to the moon and back Jeffery.
""walking among the dead""
"All eyes on me"
A man from North Dakota once said to me, " Don't expect anything from me and I will never let you down." Despite his warning, I gave him the opportunity to let me down. And he did, in ways I wasn't prepared for. I spent years fortifying myself; I built walls and ramparts from the bricks and mortar of my heart. But what good is a castle if you give the wrong person a key to the gate.
We are all in fishbowls, and too many people have their faces pressed up against the glass. They tell you how to swim, what to eat, who to play with, , and how to live. The internet has only served to amplify this problem as it has made our lives exponentially more public.
Don't live for someone else. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Don't be embarrassed to be human. We all want love. We all want acceptance. Just don't pursue them by becoming a puppet of social pressures. Earn them by honoring who you are and staying true in the face of scrutiny. I am just another human. Don't view me as anything else.
Inspired by The Ward movie cover
quick composite of our location from this weekend. I'm exhausted.
Boring self portrait; needed for social media sites....
"wants vs needs"
We all want. We want more than what we have - a bigger screen, smaller version, more powerful engine - whatever would make our functional possessions seem obsolete. But does a never ending quest to obtain something "better" fill our voids, or perpetuate them? Maybe the true reward is in the ever-present hay and not the elusive needle.
Constantly growing, constantly changing. If we don’t try to better ourselves every day, whats the point? Maybe you acted out of character today, don’t get hung up, change it tomorrow. Go to bed being happy with yourself.
"put your foot in your mouth"
There are those you will encounter that make metaphors into reality. They might make your heart skip a beat, or send your mind into orbit, or perhaps put a frog in your throat. Appreciate this rare trait and cherish it while it lasts. Every shine diminishes with time, and so does the poetry of the world.
"Let your beauty unfold"
"You are calm and reposed Let your beauty unfold Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones Spring keeps you ever close You are second-hand smoke You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins Holding on to yourself the best you can You are the smell before rain You are the blood in my veins
Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not"
-brand new- The boy who blocked his own shot
"honey i'm home"
How often are we physically present but mentally absent? It may seem efficient to keep your mind buzzing about like a hummingbird while your body walks around on autopilot. But being fully present is perhaps the most undervalued quality one can possess. Invest yourself entirely in every single moment. Enrich every second, witness the swelling of their meaning, and enjoy a truly robust life.
Discussing your own life has become an act of theater. We desperately try to avoid the judgement of others by creating a facade that might appease them. People don't want to know how broken you are, because it would force them to remember how broken they are. Showing your own faults and weaknesses is an undesired mirror that people shy away from.
Never deny others the reality of you. Its the only thing you were put on this planet to offer. The reality of you.
finding balance of this project & fitting work back into the schedule; let you know if I find it. Till then, here is a behind the scenes shot of myself "working".
"no use crying over spilled milk"
Do not be upset about making a mistake, since you cannot change that in the current moment
one month down, eleven to go. how are your goals coming along?
"about to take flight"
I have been shooting outside in the freezing Minnesota tundra for the past two days with no time to edit. So a never seen or peeked image from the fall. of one of my favorite people on the planet.
Everyone has an affect on your life. They either move you forwards, or hold you back. Your rate of progression as a person is simply the sum of all of the people around you. Too many bad apples and you'll be stagnant or even regressing along your path. Enough good apples and you'll be progressing along it. But even if you are moving forwards, how much faster could you go? Free yourself from those who burden you and surround yourself only with those who fuel your life.
"warmth of ice"
There are times when your significance comes into question. You struggle to find your way, or your worth, or even a connection of any kind. You feel small and alone, as if in a frigid cave of isolation. In times such as these, one must remember: even the most nebulous of caves have a way out, and its the same way you came in. Have the courage to retrace your steps and return to a place of comfort and confidence.
A still of Marta from the Strangers short film I worked on a couple weeks back. Soon the teaser will be released which means I will be able to show the conceptual shots:)
"walking on eggshells"
Its difficult nowadays to avoid offending someone. Not because we are less considerate but because honesty is no longer expected. The status quo is to bite your tongue and curb your opinions, presenting a muted version of yourself to the public. When you do have moments of true self-expression, an apology is anticipated to follow. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, you should instead seek out company that appreciates every loud and unapologetic step you make in this world.
"cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye"
Breaking a promise is not a crime. No one will arrest you or take you to jail for not following though on something you said. What breaking a promise does do is trivialize your integrity. Any interpersonal relationship is forever marred by a breach of trust, but what of your relationship with yourself? Respect yourself enough to preserve your integrity. Be sincere with your words. Let every one pass through the filter of your heart and speak only those in alignment with your intentions.
The right words don't always come to you. Sometimes no words come at all. Instead of searching for the perfect phrase, say what you would say. It may not sound polished or profound, but it doesn't have to be. Every voice is unique, and the most valuable thoughts you'll ever have to offer are your own. Don't choke on your words; let them out for others to digest.
Happy Birthday Abraham
"eat your heart out"
What resides in your heart? What do you open your most sacred doors to? What do you foster and nourish from the well of your soul? If you are what you eat, how would consuming your own heart transform you? Calibrate your heart to your true self. Let it be your magnetic north and keep in alignment with it at all times. Let every pulse fill your veins with direction and intent. Devour the life your heart leads you to.
Happy Valentines Day
I am nobody you know. Tho you look upon me with judgmental eyes, making up my life story in your mind.
Wow. Where to begin? I like to treat myself every Valentine's day. Last year I bought my first brand new mattress and a pair of designer shoes I had my eye on for several years. As February approached this year, I hadn't received any business emails for work. When Valentine's Day arrived, I still had nothing. So I said "what the heck." I called my mum and brother to cancel our dinner plans on Saturday, packed up my car with props, costumes, and wigs, and headed south. I have a friend and coworker that lives in Joshua Tree, which gave me a free place to stay and the benefits of an amazing tour guide. I then remembered my old roommate and great friend lives in Long Beach, which isn't far from Joshua Tree at all. Finally, my dogs had been cooped up for months. They weren't entertained by walks, and all they were doing was laying in my bed (or one of their six beds) while sighing loudly and giving me the "Mum, I'm bored" eyes. They needed some warmth, we needed an escape, and I needed good company and new locations for images. My plans were made. Its funny how much criticism people endure when they break the mold and live their life. I received loads of texts from people asking me, "Why are you going out of town?" Even my brother commented to my mum, "It's so weird how Heather just picks up and leaves from time to time." People seem to think you only leave if there is a problem. I received numerous concerned emails and texts asking, "Is everything okay? Why did you just leave?" I don't even know how to address these inquiries without sounding rude. All I find myself wanting to respond with is, "WHY AREN'T YOU LIVING YOUR LIFE?" I had no work coming up, the weather was similar to a tundra, and I had no other obligations. I didn't leave because something was wrong, I left to do something better with my time. I had the perfect opportunity to leave; didn't have to cancel any jobs, didn't get any last minute gigs, and could find inspiration in a different climate and culture. It was meant to be. I feel like we all have windows like these in our lives, yet we often just pass them by. They look out the window and see something they want to see, something they could do... but then just keep walking down the hallway of their life. I would encourage everyone to pursue living. Living in ways that are aligned with your passions and desires, not your alarm clock or your favorite tv show. This trip was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. The entire drive down I couldn't stop smiling, and the ride home was the same thing with the addition of some sorrow knowing I was returning to two feet of snow. I had so much fun, had so many new experiences, and fantastic company familiar with the park. We ate well, laughed, explored, and got weird in the desert. I feel like my heart expanded and my mind grew because of this. I fell in love with the desert and want to make it back every year. Everyone should go explore, go see things, and put yourself in a different situation. Just to see how it feels. There are so many destinations around you, regardless of your geographic location. Find one of them or make a new one entirely! The whole trip - with food, gas, and loads of coffee - cost me under $600 and I was technically gone for 10 days. That's dirt cheap! Stop making excuses and do something. Enjoy life. Make friends with good people, kind people, high quality people. They will contribute so much to your life. Don't settle for where you are or what you are doing or who you do it with. Embrace the winds of change and find the birds of your feather to glide with.
We all have our obstacles, and all our obstacles are different. Your goals, achievements, and obstructions should never be compared or contrasted to anyone else's. Because of this, we should not value the size of the obstacles we've surpassed, but the passion and vigor with which we approach them. Some perceived failures are much more impressive than any success. A lazy and shortsighted CEO who has inherited his company from his father pales in comparison to a mentally and physically disabled teen who has painstakingly learned to dress himself. What is important is to always continue to challenge yourself. Challenge yourself at any risk and cost. Don't keep hopping over the same small stone, and don't keep avoiding the 20,000ft mountain. Your small stone may be someone else's mountain, and your mountain may be another's small stone. So focus on your own life and keep pushing forwards. Set forth every day with purpose and intent. Believe in yourself again and again and again.
"cat got your tongue"
The act of apologizing has become extremely misconstrued. Saying "I'm sorry" does not absolve you of guilt, it merely acknowledges a mistake. Instead of confessing in order to have your moral slate wiped clean, one should attempt to recalibrate their moral compass to guide them away from past mistakes. We need the weight of our own injustices to be reminded of who we don't want to be. Without truly embracing the gravity of our past transgressions, we cannot truly reform ourselves accordingly.
"we are similar to cacti"
Protecting ourselves is absolutely imperative. Too often are acts of self-preservation perceived as selfish. To ensure our well being, we must employ a certain amount of selfishness. Being discerning and conscious of what we allow inside our defenses is required to maintain peace, balance, and inner stability. Reward those who are deserving with the garden of your unfiltered heart. But keep that love pure by closely guarding the soil in which it grows.
"cold & alone"
"death is at your doorstep"
Every day we are closer and closer, with no warning. Terrifying feeling of Jack-in-the-box; except with your life.
"If you find me, hide me, I don't know where I've been"
"Can’t help it if I have a widower’s heart"
Can’t help it if I have a widower’s heart Tried to get out of bed but I can’t seem to start When I hit the road it was freezing and dark I hope that it’s warmer wherever you are
Relationships are based on mutual states of transparency. The more superficial or peripheral the relationship, the less you are required or expected to expose. My entire life, I've found myself drawn to people that smile when they look into me but don't take from what's inside. People who inspire, entertain, and enjoy me without prompting me to be vulnerable. The females providing this type of friendship have been few and far between, but thankfully I've sustained this dynamic with many guys I've known. The space I've been granted by this has allowed me to focus on myself and truly develop and appreciation and understanding of who I am. The inherent problem is that I don't allow anyone to experience me in the way I love myself. I wish I could have someone in my life that is as constant and positive and driven as I know I am, but I only really trust myself to do that. Letting someone in might cause my spirit to exhale, but the fear of what I might breathe back in keeps the lungs of my heart tight and closed. The safest way to live is to have people close enough to keep you afloat but never tethered to sink with. And although I may not be flying for awhile, I can guarantee I won't drown.
Today the trailer from "Strangers" peeked its beautiful face. Such a talented crew and experience.
Shot from Strangers.
"head in the clouds"
One of my favorite shots from California.
"Putting yourself back together"
Falling apart is always associated with negative events. When something shakes our foundation so thoroughly, it breaks us into our fundamental pieces. The events that might bring someone to this dismantled state may be painful, but the state itself is not a one to avoid. We often forget we are not one unit of human flesh. We are composed of numerous blocks that we can always rearrange. When we fall apart, we find ourselves in a unique place where we are able to reconstruct ourselves; to remember what we are made of and to build, with intent, a product we wish to be.
“I like “like” you so much it makes me sick”
When life rewards you with blessings, it also unintentionally distracts you with them. Reaping the rewards of your labor can often dull your passion that brought you so far. Graciously accept the gifts the universe gives you, but never let them slow your pursuit of your desired life. The true bounty is not what you achieve, but the disciple to always achieve more.
To jump into a white abyss.
"Get a little closer, let fold Cut open my sternum, and pull My little ribs around you The rungs of me be under, under you"
"When there is nothing left to burn, then you have to set yourself on fire"
"hang yourself out to dry"
"can't fly with wet wings"
"your heart is so dark & your mind so dirty"
"Choose your own adventure.
Choose your own outcome."
"when time escapes you"
"Spring in Minnesota"
"Hey hey hey! Mr. Hangman, Go get your rope."
Living on the road & fly.
Ice on Lake Superior, Bessemer Michigan; May 25 2014.
"just let me lay peacefully"
Keep to your own.
"confusion of spring and winter"
"Simplicity of Horror"
"Foamhead, head cold"
Shot today while having a terrible head cold and sleeping for ungodly amounts of time. This is how I currently feel.
Back from my two week adventure. excited to share. phone photos finished.
The word "swastika" comes from the Sanskrit svastika - "su" (meaning "good" or "auspicious") combined with "asti" (meaning "being"), along with the diminutive suffix "ka." The swastika literally means "well-being." It is a common practice for Hindus to draw Swastika symbols on the doors and entrances to their houses during festivals, which is believed to symbolize an invitation to goddess Lakshmi. The name "sauwastika" is sometimes given to the left-facing arms symbol, which is a mirror image of swastika (卍).
I have a couple photo concepts leftover yet from glacier; this be one of them. Feels embarrassing to post cause I think my work has grown drastically since that trip and doesn't seem worth viewers to look. But I remember the hikes we did, the backpacks of props, the public watching and remember I once thought it was a "good idea". So I am gonna roll with it & cop out of shooting or editing at all tonight. Enjoy my brain, from two months ago.
August 31, 2014
"location #1"//245/365// I am tromping around the upper peninsula for the next week, working on the project.
September 1, 2014
"Untitled"//246/365// we spent the day hiking and getting pist at the parks & trails comity. They list trails, but private people out parts of them, so the trails end abruptly. Waterfalls, forests & burning thighs, all day.
September 2, 2014
Forest floor"// 247/365 // I find the floor of the forest so magical.
"Location location location" // 250/365// we came across a old (haunted) Catholic orphanage today & had to go inside. Which meant crawling up and in through a second story window, with camera gear, lighting and props. Very eerie feeling. Only thing scary that happened was my camera gear kinda pooped out; right away. My remote trigger wouldn't fire, was turning a different color than I have seen before. And then I wasn't able to review any of my images while inside. (Freaking weird!!!!) we did find one room full of decapitated birds with their heads near by... Strangeness!
September 6, 2014
"Old iron range homes" // 251/365// we toured almost all of the keweenaw peninsula today. Lots of empty homes in random places.
September 7, 2014
"Shadows, comfort, home"// 252/365 // 7days felt like 2. One of these days we will take a "relaxing" vacation. Two ADD minds together and there's no sleep for the wicked.
September 8, 2014
"automne sombre: 'un' "
The next couple of days will be a mini/story series.
"automne sombre: 'deux' "
"automne sombre: 'trios'"
"automne sombre: ''cinq'"
"automne sombre: ''cinq'"
"automne sombre: ''six"'
"automne sombre: 'huit'"
"automne sombre: ''neuf" fin.
"In a dream I was a werewolf"
"If these walls could talk..."
"I hope you find whatever you're looking for..."
"Broken sundown fatherless showdown"
"Princess and the pea style"
"subjected to random screening"
"too many feelings"
I recently did some conceptual shots for a friend, as a gift for her husband, for their wedding anniversary. Here is one of them.
"I have swept the very bravest off their feet" -the Pumpkin King
"back for 36 hours"
This last week has been life changing. You think about everything he said and step back to review, and to only come to the conclusion "it was all fake". Apparently he wasn't happy; when every morning he woke and sang "I love heather b, she's so good to me". I am not looking for pitty, but your emails, text and sharing of your stories have been incredibly uplifting, thoughtful and helpful. Thank you all for your support.
"when all the walls around you crumble; don't fight it"
"mother and her young"
structure by Patrick Dougherty
"doors of 'yes'"
"the wonky, wild and wonderful life"
"I don't mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul....
Trys to hide his tears in a world of fun
But loveless bedrooms filled with doom"
structure by Patrick Dougherty
"never lose your imagination, your spirit, the energy of you"
A portrait of Sean Anonymous
"park that car, drop that phone"
structure by Patrick Dougherty
"growing, while everything is dying"
The ground beneath your feet won't always be fertile. Every year it will freeze and become concealed by winter's white cloak. The earth is bound by seasons; seasons of growth and seasons of decay. But as humans, we are not. No matter the circumstances our world forces upon us, we have the choice to maintain a perpetual internal spring. A continuous and uninterrupted season of growth and progress. Don't be affected by the seasons of life. You control the climate of your soul.
"Eggs all in one basket"
To give all of yourself to something or someone you are passionate about is true devotion. But without having an anchor, you risk losing your entire foundation and becoming lost at sea. Always keep enough of yourself close to your heart, away from harm's reach. Enough to remember who you are and where you are going. Your own identity is never worth losing.
"forced self unravel. hold it together babe"
"right where I found you"
"I still scream your name into empty spaces..."
“dirty little fibs"
"Need you like water in my lungs"
"universe, don't hold me back"
Every life experience fortifies you for what lies ahead. You will never be confronted with a trial you are not equipped to overcome. At times, your progress is prevented by circumstance. It is never to delay you, but only to further prepare you. Have confidence and do not fret; believe in yourself and where you are going.
"head in the clouds"
"I'll grow bitters on the borders of your whistling skin"
"i told you to be balanced"
"wearing your heart on your sleeve"
"your sad cloud is pathetic"
"that dark place in the back of your brain"
"No songs from the angels, no blood in my veins Could ever replace you and here I remain"
"But it’s echoes and glimpses of beautiful times" 357/365
"THANKS" 356/365 (I realized I messed up numbering..somewhere)
"new" / "untitled" 357/365
ver:2 "THANKS" 358/365
So close to the end, and I didn't post yesterday. So I guess I will double up today!